(500) Reasons We’re Afraid To Watch The Oscars*

Here @ hN we really do have an unending love of award shows of all kinds. But if the Golden Globes and the SAG Awards are any indication of things to come at the Oscars, then we’re freaking out a little. With Oscar nominations a week away, here are a few reasons why…

1. “Nine” getting Nominated For… Well, Anything If we’re going to try and honor Marion Cotillard and Penelope Cruz this year, then we’re hoping the Academy has the sense to do it for “Public Enemies” or “Broken Embraces.” Giving any ounce of credit to crappy musicals? Leave that to the Hollywood Foreign Press and to the good people over at Fox.

Mimi Serves Up the "Real" Golden Globes on the red carpet

2. Mariah Carey’s Oscar Dress. On second thought, we take it back. Seeing the next thing Mimi manages to try to squeeze her own set of Golden Globes into on every red carpet has actually been the highlight of the awards season thus far.

3. The “in memoriam” Reel. Some call it the world’s most morbid popularity contest (Seriously people, hold your applause). But with Michael, Farrah, Swayze, and Brittany gone—just to name a few—there won’t be enough Kleenex in the world.

4. And speaking of needing Kleenex, here’s another reason why we’re worried we’ll need to stock up: Mo’nique’s Inevitable Win, Acceptance Speech and Our Ensuing Never-ending River of Tears.

5. James Cameron. Period. If he managed to make people uncomfortable with his “let’s have a round of applause for ourselves because we’re awesome and Hollywood is awesome” speech at the Golden Globes then just imagine what’ll come out of his mouth if/when he wins a Best Director Oscar. And knowing full well that he already did it when he won for “Titanic,” we’ve still got our money on an “I’m king of the world!” joke.

6. Having to choose between “Up” and “Fantastic Mr. Fox” On Our Oscar Ballot. Who wants to?!

7. Sandra Bullock Completing Her Sweep of The Major Best Actress Awards. Hey Sandy, you may have beat out Meryl for the SAG Award. But if you think winning every other trophy means you’ll be guaranteed an Oscar on the big night then we’ve got two words for you: Eddie Murphy.

8. The Fact That This Movie Is Out In Theaters But Isn’t Eligible.

9. The End of the Prestige Film Season. When all you have to look forward to the seventh “Harry Potter” movie all you can do is pray that next Fall comes sooner rather than later.

10. And Finally, Because This Will Be The Least Gay Oscars Ceremony in Years. “A Single Man” probably has no chance of winning anything, let alone being nominated, and Lee Daniels will surely lose out to either “Avatar” or “The Hurt Locker” in the Directing category so what do we have left? Who wants to watch a ceremony with not a single gay movie in contention? All we have to say is wake us when “Howl” gets released.

*OK, so maybe it isn’t exactly 500 reasons. Aside from award shows we also love some clever hyperbole.

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