Lisa Lampanelli: “I’m all for gay adoption” [Exclusive]

BIBS & BOOTY | Everyone should be in favor of gay adoption. First of all, gays are more open to adopting all types of defective children – like older ones, cripples and retards.

Lisa Lampanelli's memoir "Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks" drops 9/15. | Photo: Shutterbug

So, if you’re not willing to adopt those disenfranchised youths, you’re not allowed to be against gays doing it! Only a moron would disagree with the fact that it’s better to have two dads who are gay and tell you they love you than one dad who won’t love you because it makes him feel gay.

Even homophobes should support gay adoption. As a matter of fact, if you are really disgusted by homosexual sex, you should encourage gays to adopt because, trust me, after a day of diaper-changing, cleaning up messes, and dealing with temper tantrums, nobody’s going to be sucking a cock.

Small-minded religious folk argue that if God wanted gays to have children, kids would come out your ass and not your vagina. Conservatives wonder aloud why gays would want to inflict a life of shame and guilt on an innocent child whose only mistake was losing the homo lottery at the orphanage. Those poor children, they say! First, their birth parents leave them, now they’re getting bashed at school because some selfish butt pirate has a point to prove. They wonder if it warps a child’s mind to go from having no parents to having two moms with chest hair or two dads who can’t throw a football.

Personally, I’m all for gay adoption. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if you let a baby get adopted by gays? His booties will match his bib? He’ll make bitchy comments about Barney’s weight? The only real difference you’ll see with a child from a gay couple, is that when he refers to his “bear,” he’s talking about his fat gay uncle.

But the burning question is: Why would gays want to adopt? Doesn’t getting married ruin their lives enough? Save your sanity, faggots! Just spoil your pets like you used to. Sure, your dogs hate when you dress them up like Bette Midler in “The Rose” and Perez Hilton, but they’re easier to raise than kids and can be put down without a trial.

Chocolate, Please (9/15) is a side-splittingly funny portrait of the woman behind the award-winning insult comedy.  Her memoir offers an inside look at the life of Comedy’s Lovable Queen of Mean, Lisa Lampanelli, as she dishes on everything from relationships, food, and fat to why once you go black, you never go back. The gutter-mouthed, Grammy-nominated comedienne happily dishes on nearly everything—from why all white women should date black men to the virtues of codependency to how to turn a stick of butter into parental love and attention—delightedly skewering all topics with equal fervor, herself included.

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