Paris does what ‘Idol’ Couldn’t

TTYN? // The editors of Homo-Neurotic strive to be arbiters of the finer things in pop-culture (usually); so it falls to me to talk about our lower brow, guilty pleasures — though incredible, and very gay — like American Idol, RuPaul’s Drag Race, and my latest favorite reality competition show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF.

Though I’ve been following this show for weeks, it never would have occurred to me to write anything about it until I saw the finale on Tuesday.

For those of you blithely unaware to Ms. Hilton’s Herculean hunt for a new BFF to replace whatever tragic mess she most recently dragged around with her, this show chronicled the search for the next lucky companion. From 1000’s of applicants she narrowed it down to about a dozen, and honestly I only caught up with it for the final six, when they were moved into their own special BFF house. These lucky finalists were forced to compete in competitions as mentally challenging as: running with luggage in high heels (Paris has a hectic travel schedule, duh!), performing on a stripper pole, spending a day in prison, designing clothes for a mini-Paris doll, roasting fellow finalists with help from Kathy Griffin, and my personal favorite, trying to elegantly get out of fancy car in a short skirt without allowing the paparazzi to get a shot of your crotch!

Throughout the show, all the competitions, video confessionals, and interaction among the potential BFF’s, one contestant won the heart of pretty much everyone, the sole gay contestant, Stephen. The twinkish blonde is a former Mormon and apparently one of the only finalists who actually lives in LA (one was voted off because she was unsure she could leave Jersey, HA!). His sincere kindness, easy grin, and *sigh* ceaseless devotion to Ms. Hilton, made everyone think (myself included) that she had truly found her next BFF. If anyone needs a sensible gay in her life it’s that’s crazy girl!

Imagine my (and America’s, I assume) surprise when last week, when it was down to the final three, Paris – through tears – declared she didn’t think she could have a boy BFF, and had to let Stephen go! Me and my roommate’s cries of disdain echoed loudly through the courtyards of The Acropolis (Astoria, woop woop) that night, and we thought she’d lost any chance of ever becoming the gay icon she must most desperately want to be. The final two standing were both cringe-worthy: loud-mouthed, aggressive, African-American, Tiniecia, and dopey, cries-too-much, used-to-be-homeless, blonde, Stefanie. Yuck!

Nevertheless, I tuned in last night to see how this shit-show wrapped up. Paris gave gifts, got to know the final two a little better, while they fought like cats and, well, cats. The entire cast was invited back for the final revelation and they were not quiet about who they supported; though Stefanie seemed to draw the most ire, Tiniecia had her fair share of haters, at the end it seemed they were split down the middle. The moment came for the big reveal, and Paris, for perhaps the first time in her life admitted that she made a mistake, and declared STEPHEN her new BFF! Gay tears were spilt, pink champagne was popped, and they drove merrily into the night in Paris’ blue Bentley, where I can only hope they were headed to West Hollywood to live happily ever after.

Chelsea Lately’s “staff homosexual,” Guy Branum was right when he aptly summed up the plight of gay men on reality competition shows when he said, “I can only be on a reality show if I can make a dress or want to be Paris’ new BFF!” 

Well it may not be his dream, but I’m glad one homo got his wish. It’s so much easier when America doesn’t vote, huh?

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