Screw the Tony nominees, what about the show?

Will Hugh Return to Host the 2009 Tony Awards?

GREAT WHITE GAY: Last week gay men and theater freaks in New York got up at a normal time, while those gay and theatrical on the West coast had to get up three horrible hours early to hear the Tony nominations. Since that televised announcement, the community has been up in arms – predicting who will win this or that category, lamenting on behalf those who got bitch-slapped out of a shot at the statuette, or attacking and/or defending Rock of Ages (I’m an attacker, by the way).

This is not what we need to spend our time talking about. While who wins what is an interesting subject to debate, there is a far more important discussion that must be had – what does the Tonys have to do to win? Because, while it’s easy for us Manhattanites to think that we are at the center of the gay (and not gay) world, the television ratings for our cherished theater awards program speak a completely different truth.

It is no shocker to any theater fanatic that the Tonys is in trouble. It has always been a very low-rated program, often losing out to gardening tips shows on HGTV and Snuggie infomercials on Nickelodeon Noggin. Even the Tonys themselves acknowledged this last year when they dramatically retooled their format – breaking from tradition and –gasp- allowing shows that were NOT nominated to perform! They even got Whoopi Goldberg to host the show, randomly and chaotically running on and off screen in spoofs of every show that season, ranging from Spring Awakening to The Lion King. VIDEOS POST JUMP.

Well, the Whoopi bits were cute but grew tired, and their Non-Nom Medley was an awkwardly cobbled together orgy of solo and duets:

While I give points to the academy for trying, it looks like 75-seconds of unrelated tidbits from Little Mermaid, A Catered Affair, and Young Frankenstein weren’t the magical cure:

“The 62 Annual Tony Awards” posted a 1.1 rating/3 share in the 18- to 49-year-old demographic, according to preliminary Nielsen research, the lowest score for the awards since at least 1991. Year-to-year, the Tony Awards were up 5% in total households. CBS (1.1/3) finished fourth Sunday.”

Yowch.

So what is a show to do? It’s not like the Tonys has a lot to work with. It is an awards ceremony that recognizes and honors no more than 20 total shows, all playing in a one-mile square radius, in one city, in one state. If you’re in Middle America, or on the Left Coast, and haven’t had a chance to travel to New York to spend almost two hundred dollars on a ticket, you may have never heard of any of the shows. Or care about them.

Plus, there’s always some sporting event with near-naked cheerleaders.

There are purists who took issue with the changes made to last year’s program. To them I say this: we need to swallow our New York theater pride and deal with it. For the Tonys to be successful, it needs to further abandon its format. If not, we won’t even be able to see it on CBS. You’ll be lucky to catch it in grainy, delayed playback on NY1 (don’t think it’s that grainy? Check out their red carpet special. My God I’ve seen porn with better visual quality!)

So, below are some of my (many) suggestions for making the Tony awards better:

1. Every musical gets a chance to perform. I don’t care if you’ve been on Broadway for a week or a year. Get every cast up there to perform one song, with full dance and sets. You want to replicate for the viewers every show they have a chance to see. You never know, a nicely shot number can be the difference maker between The Jones Family seeing Jersey Boys or just stopping by The Museum of Sex to see the exhibit on monkey orgies like they usually do when they’re in town.

2. Get all the shows together for new, original numbers. I know the actors are busy. I know this. But spectacle is what puts butts on the couch and eyes on the tube. One of the greatest Tony productions I recall is from when Hugh Jackman hosted (Gosh, that was a good year) and they opened the program with every nominated show singing “One Night Only”: We need more things like this.

3. Murder the medleys. Yes it makes sense that some shows create medleys. They don’t feel that one number is enough to give the audience a proper sampling of their show. But, going into my recent memory, there is only ONE show that did this well, and that was Spring Awakening.

When stacked up against the soggy pile of monster medleys, even the awesomeness that is Spring Awakening isn’t enough to persuade me. Have the shows pick one number… a full cast explosive number, or a solo/duet that wrenches the heart (and hopefully, the wallet).

Oh, and as a side note – you know where the BEST theater medley in recent years was? On the Oscars! You know you’re in trouble when that already-popular movie awards thing steals your thunder, complete with your ex-host, and knocks you on your ass:

4. Don’t trim the numbers. Yes, some numbers are long – but they’re meant to be that way. Don’t take a surgical scalpel to a number and cut it into bits. That’s like turning a song into a medley of verses. And, while not necessarily terrible, it ruins the experience. A (still fantastic) number, and an excellent example of this sad practice would be Avenue Q – which took the Tony and still sells the house… but really? How much time was actually saved? I doubt much.

5. People’s Choice! Most of America is already uninvolved in the Tonys. They can’t see the shows (because Broadway rarely releases them on TV or DVD… but that’s ANOTHER rant), and chances are they don’t know anyone important enough who can decide the winner. Would it hurt to create an “audience choice” award? Or maybe have online polling to determine what show performs what number weeks in advance? Give the viewers some innovative control over the Tonys – truly making it “their” show… even if they’re 3,000 miles away.

6. Don’t mess up your special effects. Of all the tragedies in Tonys history, the one that sticks up the most sourly in my brain meats is the waste of a flying Elphaba. The Wicked team spent a ton of cash to get the witch’s flying apparatus into the theater. At the same time, the Tonys team spent a ton of cash to get a sexy crane camera into the audience. The result was tragic: two expensive pieces of technology effectively canceling each other out, creating a “money shot” that might as well have had Elphaba standing on the stage and hollering and a dummy hanging from the rafters attached to a broom. And I won’t even get into commenting on Kristin Chenoweth’s unfortunate “wig malfunction”

If you’re going to have crazy special effects on the program, figure out a good way to shoot them to push that magic to the viewer. They need to experience the spectacle as best they can – again, to make them care to watch the program again, and maybe even go see a show.

7. Drag Wolvereen Back. I don’t care what you have to do; you must get Hugh Jackman back to host. Threaten to tell the press that he’s gay (and was the reason Jeremy Piven came down with mercury poisoning). Pay him a million dollars. There hasn’t been a charismatic, charming, sexy and talented host such as him in as long as I can remember. Whoopi is cute, but she don’t cut it. So, really, figure out a way – I’m totally okay with you giving HIM the award for Best Musical… and I’m sure that Next to Normal and Rock of Ages will understand.

Now I realize I may take some heat for these suggestions. For selling out Broadway even more than it’s done. But this isn’t about integrity. This is about making good, captivating television that’ll put the asses in the seats. It may be a sacrifice of what the Tonys once was, but I’d rather see a commercialized Tonys than a rerun marathon of Two and a Half Men. (PS: Two and a Half Men the Musical? Who wants to start work on THAT score?)

xoJR

Justin R. Buchbinder is an extremely proud theater queen and prolific writer living and drinking in New York City. His pride and joy is his blog, Justin Plus One, where he invites a different co-blogger on with him every week. This week is Twitter Superstar and super cute Web nerd Daniel Leveille – come say hi!

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